Well, I have been turtling the last few weeks. I crawled into my shell and have had a very hard time pulling out of it. So, here I am to take a little peek out and let you have a glimpse in. Rather than write a jumbled summary, I'm just going to write the best thing and worst thing that has happened since I wrote last. This is not an edited blog post, I'm just jotting it down... It's all I can do right now, but I have been encouraged to write and even though I still feel like hiding in my turtle shell, I will make this attempt.
Good stuff: My boys have had a hard time sleeping since we lost baby Judah. They spent almost a week crying themselves to sleep. One night, they both came out of their room crying and I got an idea... I let them use a flashlight under their covers and read their Bibles. (This is something I used to sneak when I was a kid, and the primary reason I know the Word the way I do!) I told them they can read until 10 p.m., wherever they want to.
About five minutes after I put them to bed, Silas came tearing out of his room yelling "God talked to me! God talked to ME!!!" He had opened his Bible to Isaiah 40:1 and 2 which says, "Comfort, comfort my people," says your God. "Speak tenderly to Jerusalem. Tell her that her sad days are gone." He was pretty much laughing and crying at the same time. He had really heard God's voice from the Scriptures for himself, and he knew it! It is the most amazing thing that has happened to me as a mother who prays for her children to know God personally.
The next night, Silas said, "Open your Bible and see... Maybe He'll do it again!!!" So, I opened the Bible randomly, and the verse was Psalm 94:18 and 19, "I cried out, "I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Silas and Caleb looked at each other and back to the Bible, mouths agape and eyes wide with wonder... "He did it again! He did it again!" They have not been able to put their Bibles down since, and have been reading them for about an hour every night, eager to hear what God is going to say to them next. I noticed a bookmark in Silas' Bible in Isaiah 40, and he told me that he is always going to keep it there.
I see that, just as Joseph said, what the enemy meant for evil (the loss of Judah), God has brought good out of. I almost feel guilty writing that, because even though I know I am not saying it was supposed to happen (because I don't believe that at all), and it is hard to see goodness in this situation even when it is staring me in the face.
Not-so-good stuff: I have been not feeling well physically and have been fighting an infection since a week and a half after the miscarriage. It has really knocked me out. I have also been fighting a hopeless, sad, "depressed" feeling that is trying to settle deep in my gut. I know full-well is not the "healthy process" of grieving or mourning... it is a heaviness that wants to stick and keep me stuck. I am fighting it, but I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Every which way. I am just worn out and weary. I am unable, at this point, to determine which of this is physical illness and what is that spirit of heaviness. I am just absolutely fatigued. I am feeling a little bit like the pot is simmering and if one more thing is added it will boil over. I hate that feeling.
So far, I am hanging in there. But things need to change soon.
There you go, blog requesters! I have updated. Sorry for the horrible overuse of commas, poor word usage and lack of creativity, but I am not editing right now...
