I am an anomaly in a family that comes from a long line of gardening perfectionists. So when I moved back home (we share an acreage with my grandparents and my parents are just down the road, with their ever-watchful eyes perusing my yard care), it was a challenge for me to do things "right". I am trying, really I am, but my lack of garden intuition sticks out like a sore thumb. A big, green, sore thumb. Because I do think that green thumb is in there. Somewhere. I enjoy gardening. And in a way, I am even a perfectionist. The problem is that if I can't do it perfect, it bothers me so much that I can't stand it and I tend to just give up altogether. Weeding pretty much drives me crazy. I enjoy the actual physical labour of it, but the fact that it is NEVER EVER DONE drives me totally up the wall. I like jobs that I can look back over my work, pat myself on the back and say "Ahhhh... It's done." Gardening is
never done. It has been a real challenge for me to hold my temper at these little thorns in my flesh (or not-so-little, depending on the duration of the neglect). Harumph!!! They seem to taunt me as I look back over my work and all I can see is what I missed... and the acres of work left to be done.
Not only that, I am having a hard time catching the farm lingo and traditions that I
thought I grew up with. When I moved here, I thought that a perennial was a body part (and not one that you discuss in public)! Thanks to my wise and informed Grandma, I have now been educated. But I truly had no idea that little plants need so much TLC. Well, not the plants as much as the surrounding dirt. I have considered planting plastic flowers in the perennial garden next year. Then I can just pull them up when the garden needs weeding, till the weeds out with the tiller and then put the plastic flowers back, instead of having to pick or hoe around every single plant. See? I have
solutions, but Mom and Grandma would have
conniptions. Hahahah!
No. I couldn't do it. Even though these sorts of ideas come to mind, I couldn't possibly carry it through. Maybe I really do have a genetic predisposition for the homesteading way of life. What else could explain the satisfaction I get when I mill all my own flour or the sense of empowerment I feel when I chop my own kindling to heat our house?
Why on earth am I discussing gardening in the middle of winter? I have no idea, other than the fact that I
really miss the warmth of summer. But it has caused me to think about the many things in life I have missed out on because of my perfectionism. The essays that I threw together last minute because I didn't want to say I
really tried in case I didn't get 100%. (Because 95% was just not good enough if I
really tried.) The piano lessons I cried through and then quit because I didn't think I was good enough. Long division, which I have never learned how to do because I wasn't willing to try in case I failed and I refused to ask for help (we had moved, and the new class already knew how to do it). The picture that I started drawing in grade 9 that I worked on for a few months... and then threw out a few days before completion because it wasn't quite good enough. And yes, I can pick up a flute and just play it. But imagine if, over the years, I actually practiced and tried to improve instead of just practicing last-minute for performances I was invited to play in? Maybe I would have excelled, rather than just being "pretty good". Maybe if the emphasis, after my first performance at Caronport wasn't "she's only been playing the flute for two months", maybe then I would have learned that to truly reach the potential that God wants, it is worth the effort to try without fear of failure. (Because I would always say, "I've never really taken lessons and I just saw this music a couple of days ago, so please excuse my mistakes.") Excuses, instead of effort.
I see this same tendency in my kids. To say God wants our best, is true. To say God thinks our best has to be perfect, is not. A lot of things come easy for my boys. So many things, in fact, that if they come across any sort of difficulty they unravel because they have no idea what to do. And I have such a hard time knowing what to say, because I
feel it with them. But we need to learn that even if we can't do something perfect the first time, we gotta keep on trying and improving, finding joy in the fact that we are attempting a real challenge. I want them to know that there can be greater satisfaction in working hard for something that doesn't turn out "perfect" than for completing a project to perfection with no effort. And, that its ok not to do things exactly like everybody else does.
I wonder if I have to learn these things before I can teach it to my kids? Or maybe we can work on it together.
Meanwhile, I need to go water my houseplants. I forgot to water them last week. Due to that mistake, I had decided they will probably die and I gave up on them but for some reason they're not dead yet. Maybe this is an opportunity to work on my all or nothing mentality!
