I awoke this morning to two fine young gentlemen smiling down at me; fully garbed in Sunday attire, breakfast eaten and teeth brushed. "It's Sunday, Mommy! Get up for church!"
Seriously? I can't even answer phone calls right now. How am I supposed to go to church? So far, I've only managed to converse with my parents and my sister. Church? So many people? I don't want to. No, I CAN'T. I can't talk to anybody. I don't want to cry in public. I don't want to look anybody in the eye. I just DON'T WANT TO. But what else could I do?
I jump out of bed with feigned enthusiam, then realize that I'm pushing my limits as I start to get a little tunnel vision and have to lower myself to the floor for a moment to regain my bearings. It looks like we're going to church....
And so we did.
Jimmy was working and I just couldn't bear the thought of sitting alone after the boys go to kids' church, so I call my friend to ask if I can sit with her in church. (Sounds a little jeuvenile, you may think... But WHATEVER. Sometimes you just need someone beside you to help you feel a little more grounded and safe.) She and her family had other plans for the day, but they changed them and came to church and sat with me. ((((((HUGS TO YOU, MY DEAR FRIENDS)))))) I know, there are so many of you who would gladly have sat with me, and I am grateful to be surrounded by so many caring people. But I just needed to know "the plan" before I got there, ya know? So I cried through most of it and heard very little of the sermon since I was in my own little world, but felt very much comforted by the presence of my church family and the presence of the Comforter Himself. I am grateful for hugs, for gentle, compassionate words, for your prayers, and for those who told me their stories too. I'm glad God helped me put a voice to some of the turbulent emotions and memories and internal battles I am fighting and that He provided compassionate ears to hear them. I'm glad I went.
Thank you, Silas and Caleb, for dragging me to church today.
3 comments:
Stephanie, I'm so glad you went and that you found some comfort and healing there. That's as it should be...that church is less a building or a set of programs but is a body that opens its arms and welcomes us in, even when we are hurting. Especially when we are hurting. Bless your friends for representing Jesus this way. And bless you for doing this thing we mothers do called putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward even while all we want to do sometimes is curl our bodies around our hurts and nurse them. This is where we step out in trust that God is big renough to be everything we need. Still praying for you.
Stephanie,
First I am so sorry you lost your son.
Second I am inspired and challenged by this post. When I am going through something like this I avoid Sunday morning gathering. And being single, I am often dreading sitting alone. I am grateful for your friends who sit beside you.
Hugs,
Misty
Thanks you so much Megan and Misty. I am truly grateful for my church family and for my kids who hauled me there. I'm doing a little better. Probably only burst into tears eleven times yesterday. :)
Post a Comment