I feel God-nudges in my soul. He has been whispering.
You've got something to share with the world.
But God, don't You mean once my issues and struggles are dealt with and done? Don't I have to be perfect first? Or at least a little less messed-up?
No. I use messed-up people. I even used a donkey.
But I sit. On hold. Waiting for that "big moment" of healing, deliverance and freedom. I sit in the shadow and let life pass me by. I do not feel worthy to do anything or even to pray because I am keenly aware of my own demons that need to be conquered before I reach out to others.
But He speaks to me relentlessly...
No, Honey... I use messed-up people. Let Me use you.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Dreams Re-Revisited
I wrote this a few years ago, and have already re-posted it once. But I needed to again....
Please take the time to watch the following youtube video before reading the blog post - start to finish. It is well worth your time!! You will probably have to hit your back button on your browser to get back to the blog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
I have watched Susan Boyle’s video at least ten times. And I cry every time.
These are some of the lyrics to the song that she sang:
I Dreamed a Dream
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
This blog post is dedicated to all of us who have had our dreams turned to shame, for all of us who have been visited by “the tigers at night”. For those of us whose dreams were so vivid and bright and possible when we were young… but they somehow disappeared, got lost, were stolen, or were trampled underfoot by the misdeeds of men and the destructive work of the enemy of our souls.
“Life has killed the dream I dreamed.”
My personal experience has shown me that “life” is not always kind. But our lives are not destined to end the way of this song. There is no pain, no wound, no trauma that God cannot restore. It is never too late. What the enemy tried to steal and kill and destroy is the very thing that God wants to heal, restore and make whole. What is that dream? What is that purpose that God created you for?
Susan Boyle’s voice was held captive for 47 years. But when her time came, she shone before millions of people. It is your time to shine. Be brave. Has “life” crushed you? Have your dreams (or maybe even the very essence of who you are) been ripped to pieces? Are the things that should be bringing you joy, bringing shame and reproach instead? Has your heart been broken? It is time to find yourself. It is time to walk past the fears and the prejudices and the past and your circumstances that have held you captive. Isaiah 54:4 says, “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.” There comes a time that those things that have haunted you need to be put aside. It is time to look forward. It is your turn to shine. Don’t worry what anybody may say. Don’t listen to the jeering, taunting voices around you or within you. It’s time to take your stand.
God is in the business of restoring the impossibly shattered heart, of healing the mortal wound, of curing the incurable. Jeremiah 30:12 and 13 says, “This is what the Lord says: Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. Why do you cry out over your wound, your pain that has no cure?” Two verses later, in Jeremiah 30:17, the Lord says, “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds!” What is impossible for man is God’s specialty. So, dust off that dream and pull it out of the deep recesses of your inner closet. Put your life and your dreams into the hands of your Heavenly Father, the One who created you and put those dreams in you before you were even conceived. This is your day. When asked what advice she would give to those who want to pursue their dream, Susan Boyle said, “Just do it.” Yeah. Just do it. And then sit back and see what the Lord will do through you. No one was laughing after Ms. Boyle sang her first note. Take your stand. Just do it. God will showcase you for the sake of His Name.
Please take the time to watch the following youtube video before reading the blog post - start to finish. It is well worth your time!! You will probably have to hit your back button on your browser to get back to the blog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
I have watched Susan Boyle’s video at least ten times. And I cry every time.
These are some of the lyrics to the song that she sang:
I Dreamed a Dream
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
This blog post is dedicated to all of us who have had our dreams turned to shame, for all of us who have been visited by “the tigers at night”. For those of us whose dreams were so vivid and bright and possible when we were young… but they somehow disappeared, got lost, were stolen, or were trampled underfoot by the misdeeds of men and the destructive work of the enemy of our souls.
“Life has killed the dream I dreamed.”
My personal experience has shown me that “life” is not always kind. But our lives are not destined to end the way of this song. There is no pain, no wound, no trauma that God cannot restore. It is never too late. What the enemy tried to steal and kill and destroy is the very thing that God wants to heal, restore and make whole. What is that dream? What is that purpose that God created you for?
Susan Boyle’s voice was held captive for 47 years. But when her time came, she shone before millions of people. It is your time to shine. Be brave. Has “life” crushed you? Have your dreams (or maybe even the very essence of who you are) been ripped to pieces? Are the things that should be bringing you joy, bringing shame and reproach instead? Has your heart been broken? It is time to find yourself. It is time to walk past the fears and the prejudices and the past and your circumstances that have held you captive. Isaiah 54:4 says, “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.” There comes a time that those things that have haunted you need to be put aside. It is time to look forward. It is your turn to shine. Don’t worry what anybody may say. Don’t listen to the jeering, taunting voices around you or within you. It’s time to take your stand.
God is in the business of restoring the impossibly shattered heart, of healing the mortal wound, of curing the incurable. Jeremiah 30:12 and 13 says, “This is what the Lord says: Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. Why do you cry out over your wound, your pain that has no cure?” Two verses later, in Jeremiah 30:17, the Lord says, “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds!” What is impossible for man is God’s specialty. So, dust off that dream and pull it out of the deep recesses of your inner closet. Put your life and your dreams into the hands of your Heavenly Father, the One who created you and put those dreams in you before you were even conceived. This is your day. When asked what advice she would give to those who want to pursue their dream, Susan Boyle said, “Just do it.” Yeah. Just do it. And then sit back and see what the Lord will do through you. No one was laughing after Ms. Boyle sang her first note. Take your stand. Just do it. God will showcase you for the sake of His Name.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Dentists!
CUTE AND FUNNY:
Caleb (age 9): "I really like our new dentist."
Me: "Why?"
Caleb: "Because he acknowledged the fact that I am very handsome."
Me: "When he told you that you're handsome, how did you respond?"
Caleb: "I said, 'Thank you. So what are you gonna do to me???' I kind of knew he was just saying that to help me relax, which didn't really work. But he is definitely right about me being handsome."
My poor Caleb has had teeth issues since they started coming in, and has been through some pretty rough dental visits... He's one tough cookie!
NOT CUTE, NOT FUNNY:
I am not a tough cookie when it comes to dentists. Searching on Google Images for a funny dentist cartoon for this post and looking at all those open mouths with various instruments of torture being inserted into them broke me into a cold sweat. Speaking of dentists, I will be going on Thursday. Oh Jesus. I don't think anybody telling me how good-looking I am will help at this point. Ativan, please. I mean, pray for me please. Or both.
Caleb (age 9): "I really like our new dentist."
Me: "Why?"
Caleb: "Because he acknowledged the fact that I am very handsome."
Me: "When he told you that you're handsome, how did you respond?"
Caleb: "I said, 'Thank you. So what are you gonna do to me???' I kind of knew he was just saying that to help me relax, which didn't really work. But he is definitely right about me being handsome."
My poor Caleb has had teeth issues since they started coming in, and has been through some pretty rough dental visits... He's one tough cookie!
NOT CUTE, NOT FUNNY:
I am not a tough cookie when it comes to dentists. Searching on Google Images for a funny dentist cartoon for this post and looking at all those open mouths with various instruments of torture being inserted into them broke me into a cold sweat. Speaking of dentists, I will be going on Thursday. Oh Jesus. I don't think anybody telling me how good-looking I am will help at this point. Ativan, please. I mean, pray for me please. Or both.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Can these bones live?
I awoke this morning to the mental image of a skeleton, broken in pieces and lying on a dry, dusty, deserted road. Then a voice asked me (with the deep, authoritative baritone of the man on the Bible tapes I heard as a child), "Tell me, can these bones live?"
Of course I was not about to be outdone by Ezekiel so I hastily replied, albeit with a hint of skepticism, "O Sovereign Lord, You alone know."
I didn't have to prophesy or anything. God knew my limits and so, without further ado, He caused those bones to rattle and come together, bone to bone. Tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them. He breathed His breath into that body and it came to life.
Yep... It was me.
Today, there is a spark of hope. "A spark of hope" is not to be minimized... Hope is the essence of life itself.
Of course I was not about to be outdone by Ezekiel so I hastily replied, albeit with a hint of skepticism, "O Sovereign Lord, You alone know."
I didn't have to prophesy or anything. God knew my limits and so, without further ado, He caused those bones to rattle and come together, bone to bone. Tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them. He breathed His breath into that body and it came to life.
Yep... It was me.
Today, there is a spark of hope. "A spark of hope" is not to be minimized... Hope is the essence of life itself.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Update: The Best and The Worst
Well, I have been turtling the last few weeks. I crawled into my shell and have had a very hard time pulling out of it. So, here I am to take a little peek out and let you have a glimpse in. Rather than write a jumbled summary, I'm just going to write the best thing and worst thing that has happened since I wrote last. This is not an edited blog post, I'm just jotting it down... It's all I can do right now, but I have been encouraged to write and even though I still feel like hiding in my turtle shell, I will make this attempt.
Good stuff: My boys have had a hard time sleeping since we lost baby Judah. They spent almost a week crying themselves to sleep. One night, they both came out of their room crying and I got an idea... I let them use a flashlight under their covers and read their Bibles. (This is something I used to sneak when I was a kid, and the primary reason I know the Word the way I do!) I told them they can read until 10 p.m., wherever they want to.
About five minutes after I put them to bed, Silas came tearing out of his room yelling "God talked to me! God talked to ME!!!" He had opened his Bible to Isaiah 40:1 and 2 which says, "Comfort, comfort my people," says your God. "Speak tenderly to Jerusalem. Tell her that her sad days are gone." He was pretty much laughing and crying at the same time. He had really heard God's voice from the Scriptures for himself, and he knew it! It is the most amazing thing that has happened to me as a mother who prays for her children to know God personally.
The next night, Silas said, "Open your Bible and see... Maybe He'll do it again!!!" So, I opened the Bible randomly, and the verse was Psalm 94:18 and 19, "I cried out, "I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Silas and Caleb looked at each other and back to the Bible, mouths agape and eyes wide with wonder... "He did it again! He did it again!" They have not been able to put their Bibles down since, and have been reading them for about an hour every night, eager to hear what God is going to say to them next. I noticed a bookmark in Silas' Bible in Isaiah 40, and he told me that he is always going to keep it there.
I see that, just as Joseph said, what the enemy meant for evil (the loss of Judah), God has brought good out of. I almost feel guilty writing that, because even though I know I am not saying it was supposed to happen (because I don't believe that at all), and it is hard to see goodness in this situation even when it is staring me in the face.
Not-so-good stuff: I have been not feeling well physically and have been fighting an infection since a week and a half after the miscarriage. It has really knocked me out. I have also been fighting a hopeless, sad, "depressed" feeling that is trying to settle deep in my gut. I know full-well is not the "healthy process" of grieving or mourning... it is a heaviness that wants to stick and keep me stuck. I am fighting it, but I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Every which way. I am just worn out and weary. I am unable, at this point, to determine which of this is physical illness and what is that spirit of heaviness. I am just absolutely fatigued. I am feeling a little bit like the pot is simmering and if one more thing is added it will boil over. I hate that feeling.
So far, I am hanging in there. But things need to change soon.
There you go, blog requesters! I have updated. Sorry for the horrible overuse of commas, poor word usage and lack of creativity, but I am not editing right now...
Good stuff: My boys have had a hard time sleeping since we lost baby Judah. They spent almost a week crying themselves to sleep. One night, they both came out of their room crying and I got an idea... I let them use a flashlight under their covers and read their Bibles. (This is something I used to sneak when I was a kid, and the primary reason I know the Word the way I do!) I told them they can read until 10 p.m., wherever they want to.
About five minutes after I put them to bed, Silas came tearing out of his room yelling "God talked to me! God talked to ME!!!" He had opened his Bible to Isaiah 40:1 and 2 which says, "Comfort, comfort my people," says your God. "Speak tenderly to Jerusalem. Tell her that her sad days are gone." He was pretty much laughing and crying at the same time. He had really heard God's voice from the Scriptures for himself, and he knew it! It is the most amazing thing that has happened to me as a mother who prays for her children to know God personally.
The next night, Silas said, "Open your Bible and see... Maybe He'll do it again!!!" So, I opened the Bible randomly, and the verse was Psalm 94:18 and 19, "I cried out, "I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Silas and Caleb looked at each other and back to the Bible, mouths agape and eyes wide with wonder... "He did it again! He did it again!" They have not been able to put their Bibles down since, and have been reading them for about an hour every night, eager to hear what God is going to say to them next. I noticed a bookmark in Silas' Bible in Isaiah 40, and he told me that he is always going to keep it there.
I see that, just as Joseph said, what the enemy meant for evil (the loss of Judah), God has brought good out of. I almost feel guilty writing that, because even though I know I am not saying it was supposed to happen (because I don't believe that at all), and it is hard to see goodness in this situation even when it is staring me in the face.
Not-so-good stuff: I have been not feeling well physically and have been fighting an infection since a week and a half after the miscarriage. It has really knocked me out. I have also been fighting a hopeless, sad, "depressed" feeling that is trying to settle deep in my gut. I know full-well is not the "healthy process" of grieving or mourning... it is a heaviness that wants to stick and keep me stuck. I am fighting it, but I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Every which way. I am just worn out and weary. I am unable, at this point, to determine which of this is physical illness and what is that spirit of heaviness. I am just absolutely fatigued. I am feeling a little bit like the pot is simmering and if one more thing is added it will boil over. I hate that feeling.
So far, I am hanging in there. But things need to change soon.
There you go, blog requesters! I have updated. Sorry for the horrible overuse of commas, poor word usage and lack of creativity, but I am not editing right now...
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Church
I awoke this morning to two fine young gentlemen smiling down at me; fully garbed in Sunday attire, breakfast eaten and teeth brushed. "It's Sunday, Mommy! Get up for church!"
Seriously? I can't even answer phone calls right now. How am I supposed to go to church? So far, I've only managed to converse with my parents and my sister. Church? So many people? I don't want to. No, I CAN'T. I can't talk to anybody. I don't want to cry in public. I don't want to look anybody in the eye. I just DON'T WANT TO. But what else could I do?
I jump out of bed with feigned enthusiam, then realize that I'm pushing my limits as I start to get a little tunnel vision and have to lower myself to the floor for a moment to regain my bearings. It looks like we're going to church....
And so we did.
Jimmy was working and I just couldn't bear the thought of sitting alone after the boys go to kids' church, so I call my friend to ask if I can sit with her in church. (Sounds a little jeuvenile, you may think... But WHATEVER. Sometimes you just need someone beside you to help you feel a little more grounded and safe.) She and her family had other plans for the day, but they changed them and came to church and sat with me. ((((((HUGS TO YOU, MY DEAR FRIENDS)))))) I know, there are so many of you who would gladly have sat with me, and I am grateful to be surrounded by so many caring people. But I just needed to know "the plan" before I got there, ya know? So I cried through most of it and heard very little of the sermon since I was in my own little world, but felt very much comforted by the presence of my church family and the presence of the Comforter Himself. I am grateful for hugs, for gentle, compassionate words, for your prayers, and for those who told me their stories too. I'm glad God helped me put a voice to some of the turbulent emotions and memories and internal battles I am fighting and that He provided compassionate ears to hear them. I'm glad I went.
Thank you, Silas and Caleb, for dragging me to church today.
Seriously? I can't even answer phone calls right now. How am I supposed to go to church? So far, I've only managed to converse with my parents and my sister. Church? So many people? I don't want to. No, I CAN'T. I can't talk to anybody. I don't want to cry in public. I don't want to look anybody in the eye. I just DON'T WANT TO. But what else could I do?
I jump out of bed with feigned enthusiam, then realize that I'm pushing my limits as I start to get a little tunnel vision and have to lower myself to the floor for a moment to regain my bearings. It looks like we're going to church....
And so we did.
Jimmy was working and I just couldn't bear the thought of sitting alone after the boys go to kids' church, so I call my friend to ask if I can sit with her in church. (Sounds a little jeuvenile, you may think... But WHATEVER. Sometimes you just need someone beside you to help you feel a little more grounded and safe.) She and her family had other plans for the day, but they changed them and came to church and sat with me. ((((((HUGS TO YOU, MY DEAR FRIENDS)))))) I know, there are so many of you who would gladly have sat with me, and I am grateful to be surrounded by so many caring people. But I just needed to know "the plan" before I got there, ya know? So I cried through most of it and heard very little of the sermon since I was in my own little world, but felt very much comforted by the presence of my church family and the presence of the Comforter Himself. I am grateful for hugs, for gentle, compassionate words, for your prayers, and for those who told me their stories too. I'm glad God helped me put a voice to some of the turbulent emotions and memories and internal battles I am fighting and that He provided compassionate ears to hear them. I'm glad I went.
Thank you, Silas and Caleb, for dragging me to church today.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
See you in heaven, Judah
My baby died a couple of days ago. It was a boy. His name was Judah. We knew our next boy was going to be "Judah" for the last four years. It stands for going ahead of the battle with a song of praise. I know that is what God wants me to do now. I'm not so far, to be honest. I was almost three months along. He was so tiny and so perfect. I picked him up and made a little blankie and wrapped him up. I held him until the doctor at the hospital took him away. His hands were this big: O, with perfect fingers. He had all his fingers and toes, and he was so perfect. Every time I close my eyes, he is all I can see. But I don't feel anything, I haven't cried, I haven't felt anything at all. Well, I cried for a minute when I wrote my Facebook status. And my eyes filled up today when I found that a little pillow one of my boys had made last month for his unborn sibling had been moved from its place. I gave my boy a hug and said, "Do you want to save this pillow in case we have another baby?" He looked at the floor and shook his head no. I asked "Do you want to keep this pillow as a memory of your little brother?" He started crying and nodded yes. So I gave him a big hug, then put the little pillow by his pillow on his bed. I want to help my boys grieve, and I want to be there for them, but I feel so empty myself. I still feel like I'm in shock or something. It happened three days ago. Today, I have been re-organizing my house, and putting our newly-acquired baby stuff way under the stairs for long-term storage. I'm going to finish painting our house (which I had to stop when I found out I was pregnant) and I'm going to clean. I don't know what else to do.
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